So I’ve actually been home for a few weeks. Why haven’t I posted anything? Well mainly health issues, mostly not my own. Personally, I realized about a month ago (when I was hometown-home) that I’ve been like…really depressed. Nowhere near as badly depressed as I was when I lived with my parents, but like compared to the relative stable happy condition I’ve been in since I moved in with my fiance going on three years ago, I’ve been feeling really down. 😦 Now, since I’ve noticed this, I’ve done the smart thing that anyone who is depressed and still able to do should do. I’ve been trying to fix things.
I had been deliberately picking fights with my fiance. I wasn’t completely sure why, though I suspect like when I was younger, I just wanted to be mad instead of sad. Anyway, I talked to my therapist about it. She gave me a handout, which I read, and actually listened to. That problem was resolved.
I felt cluttered. My space and my mind both. So, I’ve gotten organized. Or, you know, more organized. I took all my files and binders and notebooks (minus a couple) downstairs to the file-desk where they belong. And I had to clean that thing off and out first; I haven’t used it in over a year. I put my books back on my bookshelf and my magazines back in their basket. I untangled the bed clothes and put the pillows where they should be on the bed. I rearranged my little corner of the basement (where the desk and the Sky Glider are) so that everything wasn’t all shoved together awkwardly and its now a usable space for everything I do at the desk and also for exercising. And I’m doing more yoga. My therapist has told me I should meditate, but I can’t clear my mind enough to just sit in a static position and do her version of meditation. However, when I do yoga, that is my meditation. I focus on what pose I’m supposed to be doing and all the millions of bees that are usually buzzing in my head just shut up for a while.
So I’m alright now. My fiance has been having mysterious health problems, but after many doctor visits, hopefully that will be resolved soon. And then I can stop worrying. I was very upset last week about his mother, who is already a breast-cancer survivor and has found a lump on her breast; the same one she’s already had a lumpectomy on when my fiance was a teen. After much panic and crying, and after many people praying (and continuing to do so) today, she had her free exam appointment at Planned Parenthood, and we found out that its probably something benign, but she is enrolled in a program now that will pay for pretty much anything, including a biopsy, if necessary, and if she has to have any surgery or chemo, she will get medicaid automatically for it. So even though her trials aren’t over yet, it seems a little bit lighter knowing that in the worst-case-scenario, she won’t lose everything paying for life saving procedures. 🙂
Now, about this whole Life Change Quest thing: Being totally honest, I haven’t been exercising in any structured way since before I visited home. Home was a circus and I couldn’t have exercised even if I had felt like it. I found myself sneaking candy and carb-filled snacks after I got back home from hometown-home. I stopped it when I realized I was doing it, but that doesn’t change the fact that I was doing it for probably two weeks. I was really disappointed in myself. 😦
My weight has been hovering pretty completely around 280. Sometimes its 279 and other times its 281, and I’m still only using the scale at my doctor’s office. That feels more stupid the longer it goes on, to be honest.
I’m making a proper plan. On paper, since I seem to pay attention to things better that way. I want to make a few lists, involving food and workouts and things I’d like to read (other people’s blogs and books) I learn a lot both from reading and watching and doing.
So I’m taking the rest of the week to get my shit together, and then I’ll make another post to let you know how its going. 🙂