positive choices

All posts tagged positive choices

We Meet Again

Published January 23, 2016 by Christa the Cupcake

Its been 18 days since I woke up.

Not literally, of course. Figuratively.

First of all, I want to say that I thought long and hard about whether or not I was going to come back to this blog in the first place. It hasn’t been updated in about a year. I had to think about it because I didn’t see any point updating it if I wasn’t going to stay serious.  But today I decided I would come back and continue this blog since I haven’t lost momentum. I feel like I can update this blog as long as I stay committed to updating myself.

Now, you often hear people say something like “Well, I just fell off the wagon.”
I didn’t simply fall off the wagon. I jumped. I dived off that wagon headfirst into a sea of soda, junk food, and shame. And that’s where I’ve been living for over a year.

At first, I was perfectly content. For several months in fact. Then, occasional feelings of doubt and shame poked at me, but I got rid of them quickly. Over time, those feelings escalated, until eventually they blossomed into full-blown disgust and complete unhappiness. But by the time that happened, I was on an island in the middle of that gross ocean I had jumped into and I had no idea how to get back to shore.

I felt 100% lost.

I talked to my fiance who is consistently there for me, but talking didn’t help. Being able to verbalize how I felt was good for my mental state, but it didn’t get me any closer to taking action I needed to take.

Suddenly, or so it felt, it was the week after New Years Day of 2016. This year, for the first time that I can remember, I made no Resolution. I didn’t see the point in laying out a plan for something when I felt powerless to shape my life in any way. It would be like every other year, where I set a goal and then give up. For tradition’s sake I said vaguely that I’d like to better myself this year.

Then there I was, standing in the kitchen, looking at some of the things I had purchased during the month of December: A 24-can case of Dr. Pepper, a whole box of packages of ramen noodles, a big box of Cosmic Brownies, and a party-size bag of cheddar-sour cream potato chips.

And I thought, You don’t have to do this. This doesn’t have to be your life.

And then I thought, It won’t be very hard. You don’t have to work very hard to do better than you’re doing now.

Seriously, I could have walked 10 feet and it would have been an improvement. I’m only exaggerating a little here, that’s how bad I had gotten.

So that was 18 days ago. And I’ve started with baby steps, but its amazing how much better I already feel. I’m still not eating like I want, but I’m working on it. I’m still not exercising as much as I like, but I’m working on that too. I’ve been lifting weights daily for about a week and a half now, and I’ve discovered that I love it. And today, in addition to the weights, I also walked over a mile.

Screenshot_2016-01-23-21-28-53

So here I am. And here I plan to stay. I’ll post again next week!

What’s Going On Now

Published August 19, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

So I’ve actually been home for a few weeks. Why haven’t I posted anything? Well mainly health issues, mostly not my own. Personally, I realized about a month ago (when I was hometown-home) that I’ve been like…really depressed. Nowhere near as badly depressed as I was when I lived with my parents, but like compared to the relative stable happy condition I’ve been in since I moved in with my fiance going on three years ago, I’ve been feeling really down. 😦 Now, since I’ve noticed this, I’ve done the smart thing that anyone who is depressed and still able to do should do. I’ve been trying to fix things.

I had been deliberately picking fights with my fiance. I wasn’t completely sure why, though I suspect like when I was younger, I just wanted to be mad instead of sad. Anyway, I talked to my therapist about it. She gave me a handout, which I read, and actually listened to. That problem was resolved.

I felt cluttered. My space and my mind both. So, I’ve gotten organized. Or, you know, more organized. I took all my files and binders and notebooks (minus a couple) downstairs to the file-desk where they belong. And I had to clean that thing off and out first; I haven’t used it in over a year. I put my books back on my bookshelf and my magazines back in their basket. I untangled the bed clothes and put the pillows where they should be on the bed. I rearranged my little corner of the basement (where the desk and the Sky Glider are) so that everything wasn’t all shoved together awkwardly and its now a usable space for everything I do at the desk and also for exercising. And I’m doing more yoga. My therapist has told me I should meditate, but I can’t clear my mind enough to just sit in a static position and do her version of meditation. However, when I do yoga, that is my meditation. I focus on what pose I’m supposed to be doing and all the millions of bees that are usually buzzing in my head just shut up for a while.

So I’m alright now. My fiance has been having mysterious health problems, but after many doctor visits, hopefully that will be resolved soon. And then I can stop worrying. I was very upset last week about his mother, who is already a breast-cancer survivor and has found a lump on her breast; the same one she’s already had a lumpectomy on when my fiance was a teen. After much panic and crying, and after many people praying (and continuing to do so) today, she had her free exam appointment at Planned Parenthood, and we found out that its probably something benign, but she is enrolled in a program now that will pay for pretty much anything, including a biopsy, if necessary, and if she has to have any surgery or chemo, she will get medicaid automatically for it. So even though her trials aren’t over yet, it seems a little bit lighter knowing that in the worst-case-scenario, she won’t lose everything paying for life saving procedures. 🙂

Now, about this whole Life Change Quest thing: Being totally honest, I haven’t been exercising in any structured way since before I visited home. Home was a circus and I couldn’t have exercised even if I had felt like it. I found myself sneaking candy and carb-filled snacks after I got back home from hometown-home. I stopped it when I realized I was doing it, but that doesn’t change the fact that I was doing it for probably two weeks. I was really disappointed in myself. 😦

My weight has been hovering pretty completely around 280. Sometimes its 279 and other times its 281, and I’m still only using the scale at my doctor’s office. That feels more stupid the longer it goes on, to be honest.

I’m making a proper plan. On paper, since I seem to pay attention to things better that way. I want to make a few lists, involving food and workouts and things I’d like to read (other people’s blogs and books) I learn a lot both from reading and watching and doing.

So I’m taking the rest of the week to get my shit together, and then I’ll make another post to let you know how its going. 🙂

I Can Do Lunges!

Published May 26, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

Well, not good ones. They’re kind of half-assed. But I think they still count. Not easy (maybe not even possible) to do a lunge correctly when you’re carrying around almost three hundred pounds and have like, no muscles! XD

I’m not writing a long post, because Memorial Day and barbeque. As a side note, do you think steak sauce (like A-1) is better for you than ketchup and mayo? I hope it is, because that’s what I put on my hamburger. :/

Anyway, yesterday I did some more yoga. Both videos I found on YouTube. One was basically for relaxing and stretching, so I did it first. It was a little bit of a workout on its own because…I guess because I don’t move much. >_>;
The other was supposed to be yoga for weight loss. And any skepticism I had towards yoga for weight loss vanished in about one minute. It was hard! I was so jealous of the woman doing the video, with her happy bouncing and spot-on lunging. Meanwhile, I’m trying to copy her, which is hard as-is but harder because I have no balance, which I mentioned before. So I’m sort-of lunging, not like she is, but I was doing my best, and I’m also all wobbly and my cat, Sweet Pea, is on her perch watching me like I’ve gone insane.

sweet pea laying on bed

This is Sweet Pea, in case you were wondering. You probably weren’t, but just in case.

Anyway, so long story short, I did the first video which was about 20 minutes, and I made it about 4 minutes into the other video before I stopped, crawled upstairs (not literally, but that probably would have been easier) and drank like a gallon of water. It was a bitch.

I did it again today, and this time I made it a whopping four-and-a-half minutes into the second video. It was still a bitch.

Every part of my body from the neck down, with the exception of my hands and feet, is a big ache. But I’m SO happy that it is! Because it means I’ve worked my muscles harder than I have in a longer time than I can really remember. And the videos, though the second one was really hard for me, were a lot of fun!
So I guess this is going to be my new habit. I think I’m gonna become a yoga girl. 🙂 And that’s much better than staying a couch potato. 😉

Happy Memorial Day, by the by. As an Air Force Brat (My father was not in the air force when I was a child, so I don’t count according to the other Brats, but my dad’s former drill sergeant said I still count because my dad still had a very military mind-set. Anyway…) and with my favorite uncle a Marine and a Vietnam vet, I humbly ask you to please respect our soldiers and the sacrifices they make in the name of freedom, even if you don’t agree with the wars they fight. Don’t forget that today is not just Obligatory BBQ Day; Its for THEM, our men and women in uniform.


home of the free because of the brave

Today I Discovered Yoga

Published May 24, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

It was kind of a spur of the moment thing, and I really enjoy it.

For the record, yoga pants exist for a reason. Yoga is not easy or comfortable to do in jeans. I knew this, but I was sort of in a hurry and didn’t feel like searching for the one pair of yoga pants that I have, that I’ve owned for roughly 10 years and never done yoga in ever. O_O

It was a 20 minute YouTube video, and I only got to do 6 minutes because its dinner time, but I plan on finishing it later (not in jeans). 😉

Second Verse (Hopefully Not Exactly the Same as the First)

Published May 18, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

Alright, so, I think one thing we can all agree on is this: April (and at this point the majority of May) was a total disaster. I went into a weird shut-down mode. I have managed to not gain wait, which is good. But I all but stopped my workouts, which is very bad.
And as for the blog? Psh, forget about it. Virtually no updates; certainly nothing awesome to report. I almost literally forgot about it. I felt like I wasn’t worthy to write about this so-called “weight loss journey”, when I had effectively chloroformed my weight loss journey as it struggled, duck-taped it unto some garbage bags, and buried it alive.
I felt terrible about this. So terrible that I gave up, and I wasn’t coming back. This blog was going to rot, and I thought seriously that no one would care. 😦 But I couldn’t quite do it. Thankfully. All this time (trust me, it has seemed like a much longer amount of time than it really has been) my neglected blog has been rattling somewhere in the back of my head.

Long story short, today is the first anniversary (this has a point, I promise) of the day my fiance proposed to me, i.e. gave me my bling. For my anniversary present, my fiance has pushed me into getting back to my workouts, and mostly back to my blog. Because I enjoy it. I enjoy this.
And he knows it. And it really made him sad to see me not doing something I like because of the circular argument of: I can’t so I’m not, I’m not because I can’t. So thanks to him, here comes From Blimp to Bombshell v2. 🙂

During the hiatus, I really didn’t deviate from my diet much. But my exercising….well to be honest, there really wasn’t much exercising at all, like basically none. *pulls blanket over head*
So today, I did a lot of stretching. And then I found this YouTube video (which I will also add to the end of the post) and did it twice. I didn’t have weights, or rather I couldn’t find the weights, so I improvised with large-ish water-filled Gatorade bottles. 🙂
Today was a good day.
Compared to the last 1 1/2+ months, today was an excellent day! 😀


YouTube: Beginner Workout For Plus Size Women and Men by Scott Tousignant

 

Positive Cheating!

Published April 4, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

First off, know that I’m iron-deficient anemic, so when I’m on my period, I am really weak and tired from blood loss. Before I decided to start really taking this weight loss thing seriously, I didn’t ever do anything while I was having my period, because I’m always exhausted and also because exercise makes my period worse. But I feel like I just can’t do that anymore. I feel like I’m being lazy.

That may have been TMI. I’m sorry if it was, but it is relevant.

This particular Curse Week, I am in a double-whammy type of situation. Not only am I dealing with the normal misery (exhaustion, sometimes-almost-crippling pain, and I’m always hungry) but I’m also on a medication this week that makes me more tired, more hungry, more cramp-y, and it thins my blood, so I’m losing kind of huge amounts, which makes everything worse.

So all day, I feel like this:

kitten falling asleep 2

I attempted to do a real workout, but I made it only about 5 minutes before I felt like crawling into my bed and curling up to die.

Later though, in a (failed) attempt to occupy myself so that my cramps would get better because I wouldn’t be noticing how bad they were, I started cleaning.
I cleaned like a boss.

Seriously, like, you could probably eat off my bathroom floor right now.

Cleaning is a pretty good workout, but you’re not officially working out, so you don’t really notice. Positive cheating! WOO! onion-head-thumbs-up


So, I signed up for MyFitnessPal today, meaning that I’m officially totally keeping track. Yay!

My goal is to lose 1 pound per week, for now, and although I haven’t really figured the site out just yet, I seem to have come in under my calorie goal (goal is 1,960 calories per day, and I got 1,039 from food, and I burned 299 from exercise)!

And I also made it over my exercise goal. The goal is 103 calories burned per day (Yes, I’m purposely not setting the bar high, for now.) Today, I burned 299 calories. Even without doing a full workout-workout, I burned more calories than I usually do because of the cleaning!

So, I’m totally counting today as a victory, and now I’m going to eat a piece of dark chocolate (because I CAN, and guilt-free too!) and then I’m going to bed and passing out!

See you in the next post, and remember, anything you do burns some amount of calories. So if you didn’t make it to the gym, don’t beat yourself up over it, and vacuum your house instead! Not only do you burn a surprising (at least to me) amount of calories, but you also channel your frustration into a cleaner house, and you feel better! Today, I killed not two, but three birds with one stone, and you can too!*

*No birds were harmed in today’s activity or in the making of this post.

happy owl v.1

Working Out Kills Bad Feelings

Published March 28, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

Hey! Hey guys, I discovered something. Working out makes me feel better. I had heard of this phenomenon before, of course, but I dismissed it. How could something so unpleasant make you feel better?
Well, it does.

See, my sister’s doing something bad and stupid. Something so monumentally stupid, selfish, and bad, that I had to edit this post because I am not allowed to talk about it for legal reasons. D:
I thought she was finally getting her life back on track. But I’ll be damned if she didn’t prove me wrong. And she’s doing it all for some stupid man. You know how the joke is that guys think with their dicks? Well, my sister is thinking with her twat. And I know this is going to come back and bite her in the ass. I just hope it doesn’t bite too hard. 😦
For the first time in a long time, I’m not on her side. And that really makes me hurt.

So with all these negative feelings, I’ve felt like crap today. I fruitlessly tried to distract myself, but no dice. So I went and did a bit of a workout, and instantly I felt almost 100% better! Of course, now that I’ve dredged it up to write it down, its filling my head again, and I’m all bent out of shape again. So back to the Sky Glider I go!


I realize this post is more personal than about my diet or anything weight-loss related. But my first instinct was to sit on the couch and watch something mindless on Netflix, while binging on cookies and potato chips and stewing in this pool of anger and worries that my mind mixed up for me. But I didn’t. Instead I went downstairs and sweated till I felt better! My sister’s fuckups are NOT MY PROBLEM, and at least I’m trying to make good choices; at least one of us is trying to make our life better. So, damn it, I’m proud of myself. And I think it was important to write about, so that maybe if someone is reading this, and they just feel like vegging out and feeling sorry for themselves, maybe I will help them realize that they don’t have to. That isn’t their only only option. They can make a positive choice and feel better! If I can do it, anyone can! 😉