personal problems

All posts tagged personal problems

I Have the Flu

Published February 13, 2016 by Christa the Cupcake

It started Tuesday. I think its letting up now, but I’m still pretty weak. I coughed so much that my voice is absolutely wrecked. I sound like an old lady who’s smoked cigarettes for 60 years who gets a kick out of whispering. I think just breathing air was pretty good exercise (haha) because it was really difficult. Its still not as easy as it should be.

I had a fever and invented a really interesting way to play chess, but I fell asleep and forgot it….

I’ve spent a lot of time sleeping, and not when or where I want to. I could be minding my own business watching TV or washing my hands and my body just decides its nap time.

I’ve used up a box and a half of Kleenex.

So that’s been my week. I hope your week was much better! Also Happy Valentine’s/Galentine’s/Palentine’s/Single Awareness/WTFever Day! ❤ ❤

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Changes

Published September 6, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

Everything has sort of been falling apart, which is why I haven’t posted on either of my blogs. My fiance is not really in good health at the moment, and his grandma died and his mom has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer.

I’ve been having really bad toothaches and many trips to the dentist.
I’ve got a new doctor, and to be honest, I 100% do not like her. But I’m on Medicaid so I have to sort of deal with it; I don’t have a lot of options unfortunately.

I have spent so much time recently either crying because I feel very depressed. Or worrying myself sick because I feel very scared. Or being pissed off because I feel like I have zero control over my own life. I’ve been using up my time doing that and haven’t had time to really even be on the internet, let alone be able to write blog posts.

I’ll get back to this when things have calmed down.

There is a silver lining, though. I’ve been throwing myself into working out. I see a nutritionist the week after next and I’m hoping she will be able to help me with finding healthy foods for me and maybe some recipe resources or something useful.
And I’m going to start physical therapy for my back, because my back pain is a HUGE obstacle for me.

So I am still moving toward my goal, just a little slower than I’d like. :/

What’s Going On Now

Published August 19, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

So I’ve actually been home for a few weeks. Why haven’t I posted anything? Well mainly health issues, mostly not my own. Personally, I realized about a month ago (when I was hometown-home) that I’ve been like…really depressed. Nowhere near as badly depressed as I was when I lived with my parents, but like compared to the relative stable happy condition I’ve been in since I moved in with my fiance going on three years ago, I’ve been feeling really down. 😦 Now, since I’ve noticed this, I’ve done the smart thing that anyone who is depressed and still able to do should do. I’ve been trying to fix things.

I had been deliberately picking fights with my fiance. I wasn’t completely sure why, though I suspect like when I was younger, I just wanted to be mad instead of sad. Anyway, I talked to my therapist about it. She gave me a handout, which I read, and actually listened to. That problem was resolved.

I felt cluttered. My space and my mind both. So, I’ve gotten organized. Or, you know, more organized. I took all my files and binders and notebooks (minus a couple) downstairs to the file-desk where they belong. And I had to clean that thing off and out first; I haven’t used it in over a year. I put my books back on my bookshelf and my magazines back in their basket. I untangled the bed clothes and put the pillows where they should be on the bed. I rearranged my little corner of the basement (where the desk and the Sky Glider are) so that everything wasn’t all shoved together awkwardly and its now a usable space for everything I do at the desk and also for exercising. And I’m doing more yoga. My therapist has told me I should meditate, but I can’t clear my mind enough to just sit in a static position and do her version of meditation. However, when I do yoga, that is my meditation. I focus on what pose I’m supposed to be doing and all the millions of bees that are usually buzzing in my head just shut up for a while.

So I’m alright now. My fiance has been having mysterious health problems, but after many doctor visits, hopefully that will be resolved soon. And then I can stop worrying. I was very upset last week about his mother, who is already a breast-cancer survivor and has found a lump on her breast; the same one she’s already had a lumpectomy on when my fiance was a teen. After much panic and crying, and after many people praying (and continuing to do so) today, she had her free exam appointment at Planned Parenthood, and we found out that its probably something benign, but she is enrolled in a program now that will pay for pretty much anything, including a biopsy, if necessary, and if she has to have any surgery or chemo, she will get medicaid automatically for it. So even though her trials aren’t over yet, it seems a little bit lighter knowing that in the worst-case-scenario, she won’t lose everything paying for life saving procedures. 🙂

Now, about this whole Life Change Quest thing: Being totally honest, I haven’t been exercising in any structured way since before I visited home. Home was a circus and I couldn’t have exercised even if I had felt like it. I found myself sneaking candy and carb-filled snacks after I got back home from hometown-home. I stopped it when I realized I was doing it, but that doesn’t change the fact that I was doing it for probably two weeks. I was really disappointed in myself. 😦

My weight has been hovering pretty completely around 280. Sometimes its 279 and other times its 281, and I’m still only using the scale at my doctor’s office. That feels more stupid the longer it goes on, to be honest.

I’m making a proper plan. On paper, since I seem to pay attention to things better that way. I want to make a few lists, involving food and workouts and things I’d like to read (other people’s blogs and books) I learn a lot both from reading and watching and doing.

So I’m taking the rest of the week to get my shit together, and then I’ll make another post to let you know how its going. 🙂

Kind of Dreading Going Home

Published July 1, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

I’m sorry I haven’t been posting. I’ve been losing my head over my annual trip to visit my family. The planning is bad enough and trying to keep everyone happy is incredibly difficult (as arrogant as it sounds, they see me once a year and there’s not enough of me to go around, they all want me with them all the time, which is impossible).

But I’m mostly worried about the safety of my diet. I have really changed my whole lifestyle, little baby-steps at a time, and now for almost a month, I may as well be going back in time. The house will be stocked with soda and candy and junk food. I will seriously have to watch it, because it will be SO EASY to deviate from my plan.

As for exercise, I don’t even know, trying to do yoga in a teeny-tiny house filled with three other people and 2-full grown dogs is going to be next to impossible, and going for walks in the Missouri Summer heat and humidity will cause heat stroke, mainly because my body’s not used to it anymore. I’ll have to walk at night, and take my Grandpa’s old whoop-stick, in case I run into mean dogs or creepers (not the exploding kind). And obviously, I’ll still do my “couch” workouts with my Gatorade-bottle-weights, and if anyone has a problem with it, I’ll kick them out of the living room. I need the couch for the workout, sorry. o_o

For motivation, I’m bringing my skirt. This skirt is knee-length, black with little flowers. Its very gauzy and pretty, and I found it at a thrift store early last year and fell in love with it, discovered it didn’t fit me but I bought it anyway, and I’ve only recently been able to zip it up and wear it. I do not want to lose that.

Also, my last trip to the doctor told me I’ve lost 4 MORE pounds, which I’m pretty proud of, since its probably more because I have period water-weight (fun fact, my therapist literally walked into a wall because she was looking at me telling me she could tell I’d been losing weight and that I’m looking really pretty, like I felt really terrible but it was kind of cool in a way). I don’t want to gain that back either.

Wish me luck! I’ll try to make some little posts throughout the vacation, but I’ll be back full-time in August! ❤

I Came Into This Unprepared

Published April 18, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

Hi! I’ve been kind of sick, and also I had the root canal, so I’m in a bit of a pain-haze, and also in a bit of a haze from the medication to combat the pain.
I also finished Banjo-Kazooie, not that that’s really important, but I did 100% complete it. 100 Jiggies, 900 Notes, and I even did the Stop ‘N Swop, which may or may not be pointless. So yeah, I rocked that bitch.

So anyway, you know, despite not posting for days at a time, I’m really committed to this blog. Which is why, depressed and perhaps a little fever-addled the other day, I started crying about it. I hadn’t posted for days, and I hadn’t posted for days prior to my last post either. So, as I should’ve expected (because of me being the way I am) I felt like a HUGE failure, and I had that knee-jerk urge to give up and hide.

But I’m not. I can’t. I hide from things that feel too daunting; I have a record of doing that, and that is a bad thing. I have to break that pattern, or I won’t ever complete my quest to become a better, healthier version of myself. Because if anything is daunting, and scary and hard, this is.

But I thought about it, and I really did come into this unprepared. I had this sunny outlook; I was going to post something substantial every day, cause you know, that wouldn’t be difficult or anything. And for some reason, I apparently thought if something unexpected happened, like being super sick or preoccupied with something *gasp* more important than the blog, like my family or my future husband, well I seem to have thought that would have no effect on my writing/posting capabilities.

Clearly, I was wrong.

In the future, I will try to at least post a daily blurb, but I won’t make any promises. I am at least happy to report that I’ve somehow stayed on track with my diet, although with the root canal I can only eat soft food for at least a couple days. I doubt that will be great for my diet, although it will probably make it easier to not eat too much on Easter! O_O

Working Out Kills Bad Feelings

Published March 28, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

Hey! Hey guys, I discovered something. Working out makes me feel better. I had heard of this phenomenon before, of course, but I dismissed it. How could something so unpleasant make you feel better?
Well, it does.

See, my sister’s doing something bad and stupid. Something so monumentally stupid, selfish, and bad, that I had to edit this post because I am not allowed to talk about it for legal reasons. D:
I thought she was finally getting her life back on track. But I’ll be damned if she didn’t prove me wrong. And she’s doing it all for some stupid man. You know how the joke is that guys think with their dicks? Well, my sister is thinking with her twat. And I know this is going to come back and bite her in the ass. I just hope it doesn’t bite too hard. 😦
For the first time in a long time, I’m not on her side. And that really makes me hurt.

So with all these negative feelings, I’ve felt like crap today. I fruitlessly tried to distract myself, but no dice. So I went and did a bit of a workout, and instantly I felt almost 100% better! Of course, now that I’ve dredged it up to write it down, its filling my head again, and I’m all bent out of shape again. So back to the Sky Glider I go!


I realize this post is more personal than about my diet or anything weight-loss related. But my first instinct was to sit on the couch and watch something mindless on Netflix, while binging on cookies and potato chips and stewing in this pool of anger and worries that my mind mixed up for me. But I didn’t. Instead I went downstairs and sweated till I felt better! My sister’s fuckups are NOT MY PROBLEM, and at least I’m trying to make good choices; at least one of us is trying to make our life better. So, damn it, I’m proud of myself. And I think it was important to write about, so that maybe if someone is reading this, and they just feel like vegging out and feeling sorry for themselves, maybe I will help them realize that they don’t have to. That isn’t their only only option. They can make a positive choice and feel better! If I can do it, anyone can! 😉