I feel like I need to talk about fear. What fear? The fear that I have of changing. The fear I have of
getting this done. It may seem silly, I know it did to me, when I first started thinking about it. But I realized the reason that I have let myself get SO off-track with my weight loss plans. Yes, its true that some bad shit has happened in this past year and that I was super depressed for a while, etc. But those things weren’t the root of my problem, even though I thought they were. I used those things unknowingly as cover-ups, when the real reason I just threw myself off the bandwagon was because I was terrified. 😦
I have been overweight almost as far back as I can remember. When I was a very small child, I wouldn’t sit still, I was always outside running and playing and hanging off of things upside-down. Additionally, I was a VERY picky eater. So during that brief time in my life, I actually may have been underweight. *gasp* I know. But then I started school, and I loved school, and that effectively ended my hours and hours of playing, replacing them with hours of sitting in class and then going home to sit and watch afternoon cartoons and start devoting hours and hours to my new and never-ending passion: reading.
That’s when I started gaining weight, and it didn’t stop until I was nearly 21 when I got to my highest weight of 320 pounds.
And now I have to lose weight and I want to, but honestly the thought scares me so much because I really can’t remember the tiny little kid I was; I can only remember myself as the fat little girl, the fat teenage girl, and now the fat grown woman that I am. I currently weigh 280 pounds, give or take a couple pounds. My goal weight is 140 pounds. And at some point in the past several months, I realized that when I get to that goal, I will be HALF the size that I am now. I have no idea how I will look, because I’ve never known myself as slim. The idea of losing half my weight, really another ME in pounds, should be exciting. And it IS. But its also frightening because its such a giant change and its so new. Its a version of me that I have never seen myself as. I’ve gotten used to all this flub, and I suppose in a weird way I’ve grown comfortable with it. I can’t imagine myself that small. I can’t see it. And that scares me. But…..
Luckily, I understand it now, and now I can get past it. I think the correct way to think about it is baby steps. I don’t need to think about the end goal. I think I need to think in terms of mini-goals. Losing 10 pounds and then 10 more and on and on is a way I can ease into it. If I don’t think about it in such broad terms (I’M GOING TO LOSE 140 POUNDS, AHHHHH) then I won’t panic and run screaming the opposite direction, like I did before.