All posts tagged overweight

Fear of Losing

Published February 25, 2015 by Christa the Cupcake

I feel like I need to talk about fear. What fear? The fear that I have of changing. The fear I have of getting this done. It may seem silly, I know it did to me, when I first started thinking about it. But I realized the reason that I have let myself get SO off-track with my weight loss plans. Yes, its true that some bad shit has happened in this past year and that I was super depressed for a while, etc. But those things weren’t the root of my problem, even though I thought they were. I used those things unknowingly as cover-ups, when the real reason I just threw myself off the bandwagon was because I was terrified. 😦
I have been overweight almost as far back as I can remember. When I was a very small child, I wouldn’t sit still, I was always outside running and playing and hanging off of things upside-down. Additionally, I was a VERY picky eater. So during that brief time in my life, I actually may have been underweight. *gasp* I know. But then I started school, and I loved school, and that effectively ended my hours and hours of playing, replacing them with hours of sitting in class and then going home to sit and watch afternoon cartoons and start devoting hours and hours to my new and never-ending passion: reading.
That’s when I started gaining weight, and it didn’t stop until I was nearly 21 when I got to my highest weight of 320 pounds.
And now I have to lose weight and I want to, but honestly the thought scares me so much because I really can’t remember the tiny little kid I was; I can only remember myself as the fat little girl, the fat teenage girl, and now the fat grown woman that I am. I currently weigh 280 pounds, give or take a couple pounds. My goal weight is 140 pounds. And at some point in the past several months, I realized that when I get to that goal, I will be HALF the size that I am now. I have no idea how I will look, because I’ve never known myself as slim. The idea of losing half my weight, really another ME in pounds, should be exciting. And it IS. But its also frightening because its such a giant change and its so new. Its a version of me that I have never seen myself as. I’ve gotten used to all this flub, and I suppose in a weird way I’ve grown comfortable with it. I can’t imagine myself that small. I can’t see it. And that scares me. But…..

Luckily, I understand it now, and now I can get past it. I think the correct way to think about it is baby steps. I don’t need to think about the end goal. I think I need to think in terms of mini-goals. Losing 10 pounds and then 10 more and on and on is a way I can ease into it. If I don’t think about it in such broad terms (I’M GOING TO LOSE 140 POUNDS, AHHHHH) then I won’t panic and run screaming the opposite direction, like I did before.

I’m getting back to it and when everything is all said and done, I know its gonna be AMAZING! onicheer



New Year

Published January 10, 2015 by Christa the Cupcake

This is the standard time of year for the start of diets, right? That also makes it the proper time of year to RE-start a diet as well, doesn’t it?
Last year I totally bombed everything. 😦 I mean really. A big part of it was the awful depression that blindsided me. I still don’t know where it came from, because really last year everything was going quite well compared to the year before. But the fact is, it was kind of awful and though I regret not having the willpower to get over it, what’s done is done.

Now I read recently that the best time to start a diet is at the beginning of a month, so come February, I’m getting back in gear and back on the wagon.

Happy New Year!


Published September 6, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

Everything has sort of been falling apart, which is why I haven’t posted on either of my blogs. My fiance is not really in good health at the moment, and his grandma died and his mom has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer.

I’ve been having really bad toothaches and many trips to the dentist.
I’ve got a new doctor, and to be honest, I 100% do not like her. But I’m on Medicaid so I have to sort of deal with it; I don’t have a lot of options unfortunately.

I have spent so much time recently either crying because I feel very depressed. Or worrying myself sick because I feel very scared. Or being pissed off because I feel like I have zero control over my own life. I’ve been using up my time doing that and haven’t had time to really even be on the internet, let alone be able to write blog posts.

I’ll get back to this when things have calmed down.

There is a silver lining, though. I’ve been throwing myself into working out. I see a nutritionist the week after next and I’m hoping she will be able to help me with finding healthy foods for me and maybe some recipe resources or something useful.
And I’m going to start physical therapy for my back, because my back pain is a HUGE obstacle for me.

So I am still moving toward my goal, just a little slower than I’d like. :/

What’s Going On Now

Published August 19, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

So I’ve actually been home for a few weeks. Why haven’t I posted anything? Well mainly health issues, mostly not my own. Personally, I realized about a month ago (when I was hometown-home) that I’ve been like…really depressed. Nowhere near as badly depressed as I was when I lived with my parents, but like compared to the relative stable happy condition I’ve been in since I moved in with my fiance going on three years ago, I’ve been feeling really down. 😦 Now, since I’ve noticed this, I’ve done the smart thing that anyone who is depressed and still able to do should do. I’ve been trying to fix things.

I had been deliberately picking fights with my fiance. I wasn’t completely sure why, though I suspect like when I was younger, I just wanted to be mad instead of sad. Anyway, I talked to my therapist about it. She gave me a handout, which I read, and actually listened to. That problem was resolved.

I felt cluttered. My space and my mind both. So, I’ve gotten organized. Or, you know, more organized. I took all my files and binders and notebooks (minus a couple) downstairs to the file-desk where they belong. And I had to clean that thing off and out first; I haven’t used it in over a year. I put my books back on my bookshelf and my magazines back in their basket. I untangled the bed clothes and put the pillows where they should be on the bed. I rearranged my little corner of the basement (where the desk and the Sky Glider are) so that everything wasn’t all shoved together awkwardly and its now a usable space for everything I do at the desk and also for exercising. And I’m doing more yoga. My therapist has told me I should meditate, but I can’t clear my mind enough to just sit in a static position and do her version of meditation. However, when I do yoga, that is my meditation. I focus on what pose I’m supposed to be doing and all the millions of bees that are usually buzzing in my head just shut up for a while.

So I’m alright now. My fiance has been having mysterious health problems, but after many doctor visits, hopefully that will be resolved soon. And then I can stop worrying. I was very upset last week about his mother, who is already a breast-cancer survivor and has found a lump on her breast; the same one she’s already had a lumpectomy on when my fiance was a teen. After much panic and crying, and after many people praying (and continuing to do so) today, she had her free exam appointment at Planned Parenthood, and we found out that its probably something benign, but she is enrolled in a program now that will pay for pretty much anything, including a biopsy, if necessary, and if she has to have any surgery or chemo, she will get medicaid automatically for it. So even though her trials aren’t over yet, it seems a little bit lighter knowing that in the worst-case-scenario, she won’t lose everything paying for life saving procedures. 🙂

Now, about this whole Life Change Quest thing: Being totally honest, I haven’t been exercising in any structured way since before I visited home. Home was a circus and I couldn’t have exercised even if I had felt like it. I found myself sneaking candy and carb-filled snacks after I got back home from hometown-home. I stopped it when I realized I was doing it, but that doesn’t change the fact that I was doing it for probably two weeks. I was really disappointed in myself. 😦

My weight has been hovering pretty completely around 280. Sometimes its 279 and other times its 281, and I’m still only using the scale at my doctor’s office. That feels more stupid the longer it goes on, to be honest.

I’m making a proper plan. On paper, since I seem to pay attention to things better that way. I want to make a few lists, involving food and workouts and things I’d like to read (other people’s blogs and books) I learn a lot both from reading and watching and doing.

So I’m taking the rest of the week to get my shit together, and then I’ll make another post to let you know how its going. 🙂

Kind of Dreading Going Home

Published July 1, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

I’m sorry I haven’t been posting. I’ve been losing my head over my annual trip to visit my family. The planning is bad enough and trying to keep everyone happy is incredibly difficult (as arrogant as it sounds, they see me once a year and there’s not enough of me to go around, they all want me with them all the time, which is impossible).

But I’m mostly worried about the safety of my diet. I have really changed my whole lifestyle, little baby-steps at a time, and now for almost a month, I may as well be going back in time. The house will be stocked with soda and candy and junk food. I will seriously have to watch it, because it will be SO EASY to deviate from my plan.

As for exercise, I don’t even know, trying to do yoga in a teeny-tiny house filled with three other people and 2-full grown dogs is going to be next to impossible, and going for walks in the Missouri Summer heat and humidity will cause heat stroke, mainly because my body’s not used to it anymore. I’ll have to walk at night, and take my Grandpa’s old whoop-stick, in case I run into mean dogs or creepers (not the exploding kind). And obviously, I’ll still do my “couch” workouts with my Gatorade-bottle-weights, and if anyone has a problem with it, I’ll kick them out of the living room. I need the couch for the workout, sorry. o_o

For motivation, I’m bringing my skirt. This skirt is knee-length, black with little flowers. Its very gauzy and pretty, and I found it at a thrift store early last year and fell in love with it, discovered it didn’t fit me but I bought it anyway, and I’ve only recently been able to zip it up and wear it. I do not want to lose that.

Also, my last trip to the doctor told me I’ve lost 4 MORE pounds, which I’m pretty proud of, since its probably more because I have period water-weight (fun fact, my therapist literally walked into a wall because she was looking at me telling me she could tell I’d been losing weight and that I’m looking really pretty, like I felt really terrible but it was kind of cool in a way). I don’t want to gain that back either.

Wish me luck! I’ll try to make some little posts throughout the vacation, but I’ll be back full-time in August! ❤

Good News, Everyone!

Published June 12, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

I’ve lost (at least) 5 pounds! I say “at least” because I’m pretty sure I had water-weight when they weighed me. Remember forever ago, when I was all excited about buying that pretty new scale? Yeah, I still haven’t done that. Mostly due to circumstances that are out of my control (i.e. having to buy things that were not expected for reasons that weren’t planned for, like an extra $10 fee both ways for my flight next month which was not a thing last year….) but also, I admit, a certain amount of procrastination. So, I’m still being sporadically measured at my therapist’s office.

I’m kind of afraid of having a scale in the house. I mean what if I start obsessively weighing myself? Or worse, what if I weigh myself when I’m having one of my super-depressed days and I haven’t made any progress, so I destroy the scale and vow to never exercise again? It has happened before.

But scale fears aside, I have lost a minimum of five pounds, and I’m very happy about it. Also, the jeans I just bought last month, which are already a size smaller than the jeans I bought last year, are becoming annoyingly loose! Which means, unless I can find a coupon, I’m probably going to have to come up with another $50 to buy new new jeans in a few months. I want to be really annoyed about it, but how can I be? The new new jeans will only be size 22, but if the trend continues then I’ll probably be down to the teen-sizes by this time next year, and that thought makes me so happy.


Figuring Nutrition Facts?

Published May 31, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

Okay so, you know I’m doing MyFitnessPal, and using the food journal thingy…and I need to know the nutrition facts of the foods that I eat. If everything I ate came out of a bag or box pre-made, that would be an easy task.

But I don’t do that. We make food. We make our own recipes. I eat pre-made things, but not a whole lot. When my fiance makes soup, I have absolutely no clue what the nutrition facts are…when my moms make fried chicken, I don’t really want to know, but that’s beside the point.

But…to me it seems like an almost Herculean task to figure them out by myself. Like I don’t even know how to go about it. Thinking about it now is actually upsetting me a little, because it seems like its something I should be doing but at the same time it sounds so daunting that my brain just NOPES it out of my thoughts.

Is there an easy way to do this, or is it as hard as I think it is? D: