health

All posts tagged health

This Week

Published February 6, 2016 by Christa the Cupcake

I gotta admit this week was tough for me. I have this huge problem where I don’t really do anything for myself, I do things because it will make people I care about happy. I don’t get close to a lot of people, but if you get into that group, there is a 110% chance that I will care more about you than I care about myself. Most of the time that’s not an issue. I like making other people happy because that makes me happy, so if I make someone feel good, it makes me feel good about myself. But sometimes, especially when I want to improve myself, it becomes this huge road block, because I also want to please people I don’t even know or like.

Using weight loss as an obvious example: At every other point in my life when I’ve wanted to lose weight, my main reason was that I wanted to make people see me as attractive and desirable. I never thought about benefits to my health or anything like that. I wanted people to think I was hot. All I was thinking about was that I wanted my appearance to please other people.
I used to think I didn’t want attention, that I didn’t like attention, but when I actually thought about it, I realized that as long as its positive attention, I kind of love it. I think I might even get a little high off of it, which may be another problem for another day.

Anyway, I can’t really use that as motivation anymore. I don’t think I care that much about random people finding me attractive anymore. The thing with being in a excellent relationship for this long (and it being the first romantic relationship in my life that isn’t toxic as fuck) is that I’m so happy and secure that I can’t use my insecurities as motivation.

My insecurities have ruled my life up until now. The thing is, every person I’ve ever been attracted to until now, been in a relationship with until now, has made me feel like a lesser human being because of my weight. And there has almost always been a very vocalized threat that they were only with me because I was the best they could get right now and that if something better came along (and pretty much anyone was better) this person I loved would drop me fast. So when I had a boyfriend tell me I was fat and it made me ugly, I didn’t get offended, I just got sad and I wanted to make that person love me and that was my motivation.

It took me a long time, but nearly five years in, I realize that my fiance doesn’t think that way. My fiance honest to God thinks I’m drop-dead gorgeous, he thinks I’m a goddess of beauty. It puzzles me completely, but its true. And he would still think I was a drop-dead gorgeous goddess of beauty if I gained 140 pounds instead of losing 140 pounds. Ironically, this incredibly wonderful thing makes my life more difficult, because its making me have to change my approach to life.

He would love me literally no matter what. He doesn’t want a skinny wife, he just wants me. So I can’t have the conversation that I normally have with myself. “Why do you want to lose weight?” “Because I want to make X Person happy.” “That’s it, you just want to please X Person? You want to be attractive to them, like a trophy?” “Yeah, basically.”

I’m with my soulmate now. I’m with a person who would still look at me the same way, who would still smile that special smile at me if I lost 140 pounds like I want to, or if I stayed the same, or if I weighed 600 pounds and had no teeth and stopped washing my hair.

And I don’t want anyone to misunderstand me, my life now is a huge blessing. I’ve never been happier. But I’ve struggled with this problem a lot this week. If he is going to be happy with me no matter what and doesn’t care what I look like, and he is, then why should I care? Why should I bother. Basically, I’m safe here, and I don’t have to try.

I’m working really hard on trying to do things just for myself and not thinking so much about how it will affect other people. I’m working on trying to have a more healthy thought process, like, I want to lose weight because it will make me healthier. Or that I want to go to college because that would make me happy, and not because it will make my family proud of me. Because that should be a good bonus, not the actual reason.

But I’ve found out this week that I’m not ready to do that quite yet, and in order to do the things I needed to do (avoiding junk food and continuing to exercise) I still needed to find a way to frame it so that it was still me trying to please other people.

I’m in an amazing place in my life. I have a person who doesn’t give a damn how much I weigh or what I look like, because he actually just loves me for who I am, and who I am makes me beautiful to him. So I’m going to lose weight and be healthy because if I drop dead when I’m 40, he would have to live the rest of his life without me, and he’s made it very clear that that would be almost worse than death.

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Of Snow and Shopping Lists

Published January 30, 2016 by Christa the Cupcake

Another week! A quick thing I’d like to mention is that this week (from last Saturday to today) I walked more than 10 MILES. It seems small when I type it out (or maybe that’s just me) but considering that uncomfortably recently I was literally moving around as little as I possibly could, 10 miles feels like a lot! And I say more than because on Tuesday I have no idea how much I walked because my phone (where I track this stuff) turned itself off and I didn’t realize it, so nothing got tracked. Also because I’m not counting general walking around like at the store or wherever, this is just in the time I’m sitting aside just for walking.

Anyway!

Once we get this all this snow over with, I have some shopping to do. I try not to go out much before a snow storm (or even the threat of a snow storm) because there are always 50 million people stocking up for the winter apocalypse at all of the stores. Also people seem to forget how to drive.

snow overreact

Nothing I need to get is an emergency and I can totally get by without it until I can go shopping without worrying about my safety. I just want to get some different weights because the ones I have now are 5 pounds but they feel unnecessarily big, like just badly designed. It might just be because my hands are so small. Actually its almost definitely because my hands are so small. But I want to get ones that feel more comfortable when I hold them. And I want to get a yoga mat because doing yoga on the concrete basement floor is more difficult than I thought. And I want to get a scale. Once upon a time, I wrote a post about buying a scale but I never bought it. I wrote that post almost TWO YEARS AGO.
Last but not least I want to buy a few snacks that I won’t feel bad about eating, like some almonds or something.

So this post is short but I’ll be back next week! Enjoy your snow days if you’re in the Danger Zone!

We Meet Again

Published January 23, 2016 by Christa the Cupcake

Its been 18 days since I woke up.

Not literally, of course. Figuratively.

First of all, I want to say that I thought long and hard about whether or not I was going to come back to this blog in the first place. It hasn’t been updated in about a year. I had to think about it because I didn’t see any point updating it if I wasn’t going to stay serious.  But today I decided I would come back and continue this blog since I haven’t lost momentum. I feel like I can update this blog as long as I stay committed to updating myself.

Now, you often hear people say something like “Well, I just fell off the wagon.”
I didn’t simply fall off the wagon. I jumped. I dived off that wagon headfirst into a sea of soda, junk food, and shame. And that’s where I’ve been living for over a year.

At first, I was perfectly content. For several months in fact. Then, occasional feelings of doubt and shame poked at me, but I got rid of them quickly. Over time, those feelings escalated, until eventually they blossomed into full-blown disgust and complete unhappiness. But by the time that happened, I was on an island in the middle of that gross ocean I had jumped into and I had no idea how to get back to shore.

I felt 100% lost.

I talked to my fiance who is consistently there for me, but talking didn’t help. Being able to verbalize how I felt was good for my mental state, but it didn’t get me any closer to taking action I needed to take.

Suddenly, or so it felt, it was the week after New Years Day of 2016. This year, for the first time that I can remember, I made no Resolution. I didn’t see the point in laying out a plan for something when I felt powerless to shape my life in any way. It would be like every other year, where I set a goal and then give up. For tradition’s sake I said vaguely that I’d like to better myself this year.

Then there I was, standing in the kitchen, looking at some of the things I had purchased during the month of December: A 24-can case of Dr. Pepper, a whole box of packages of ramen noodles, a big box of Cosmic Brownies, and a party-size bag of cheddar-sour cream potato chips.

And I thought, You don’t have to do this. This doesn’t have to be your life.

And then I thought, It won’t be very hard. You don’t have to work very hard to do better than you’re doing now.

Seriously, I could have walked 10 feet and it would have been an improvement. I’m only exaggerating a little here, that’s how bad I had gotten.

So that was 18 days ago. And I’ve started with baby steps, but its amazing how much better I already feel. I’m still not eating like I want, but I’m working on it. I’m still not exercising as much as I like, but I’m working on that too. I’ve been lifting weights daily for about a week and a half now, and I’ve discovered that I love it. And today, in addition to the weights, I also walked over a mile.

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So here I am. And here I plan to stay. I’ll post again next week!

New Year

Published January 10, 2015 by Christa the Cupcake

This is the standard time of year for the start of diets, right? That also makes it the proper time of year to RE-start a diet as well, doesn’t it?
Last year I totally bombed everything. 😦 I mean really. A big part of it was the awful depression that blindsided me. I still don’t know where it came from, because really last year everything was going quite well compared to the year before. But the fact is, it was kind of awful and though I regret not having the willpower to get over it, what’s done is done.

Now I read recently that the best time to start a diet is at the beginning of a month, so come February, I’m getting back in gear and back on the wagon.

Happy New Year!

Medication Weight Gain?

Published November 15, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

I’m so discouraged. I’m eating (mostly) right, doing my stretches and my workouts, and somehow have gained weight. How? New medication, I think. Honestly, the medication helps me, but I’m not sure if I’m willing to gain weight just to keep my moods stable. My doctor does not listen to me, she decides she knows what’s best. I’m just very frustrated. 😦

Changes

Published September 6, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

Everything has sort of been falling apart, which is why I haven’t posted on either of my blogs. My fiance is not really in good health at the moment, and his grandma died and his mom has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer.

I’ve been having really bad toothaches and many trips to the dentist.
I’ve got a new doctor, and to be honest, I 100% do not like her. But I’m on Medicaid so I have to sort of deal with it; I don’t have a lot of options unfortunately.

I have spent so much time recently either crying because I feel very depressed. Or worrying myself sick because I feel very scared. Or being pissed off because I feel like I have zero control over my own life. I’ve been using up my time doing that and haven’t had time to really even be on the internet, let alone be able to write blog posts.

I’ll get back to this when things have calmed down.

There is a silver lining, though. I’ve been throwing myself into working out. I see a nutritionist the week after next and I’m hoping she will be able to help me with finding healthy foods for me and maybe some recipe resources or something useful.
And I’m going to start physical therapy for my back, because my back pain is a HUGE obstacle for me.

So I am still moving toward my goal, just a little slower than I’d like. :/