Its been 18 days since I woke up.
Not literally, of course. Figuratively.
First of all, I want to say that I thought long and hard about whether or not I was going to come back to this blog in the first place. It hasn’t been updated in about a year. I had to think about it because I didn’t see any point updating it if I wasn’t going to stay serious. But today I decided I would come back and continue this blog since I haven’t lost momentum. I feel like I can update this blog as long as I stay committed to updating myself.
Now, you often hear people say something like “Well, I just fell off the wagon.”
I didn’t simply fall off the wagon. I jumped. I dived off that wagon headfirst into a sea of soda, junk food, and shame. And that’s where I’ve been living for over a year.
At first, I was perfectly content. For several months in fact. Then, occasional feelings of doubt and shame poked at me, but I got rid of them quickly. Over time, those feelings escalated, until eventually they blossomed into full-blown disgust and complete unhappiness. But by the time that happened, I was on an island in the middle of that gross ocean I had jumped into and I had no idea how to get back to shore.
I felt 100% lost.
I talked to my fiance who is consistently there for me, but talking didn’t help. Being able to verbalize how I felt was good for my mental state, but it didn’t get me any closer to taking action I needed to take.
Suddenly, or so it felt, it was the week after New Years Day of 2016. This year, for the first time that I can remember, I made no Resolution. I didn’t see the point in laying out a plan for something when I felt powerless to shape my life in any way. It would be like every other year, where I set a goal and then give up. For tradition’s sake I said vaguely that I’d like to better myself this year.
Then there I was, standing in the kitchen, looking at some of the things I had purchased during the month of December: A 24-can case of Dr. Pepper, a whole box of packages of ramen noodles, a big box of Cosmic Brownies, and a party-size bag of cheddar-sour cream potato chips.
And I thought, You don’t have to do this. This doesn’t have to be your life.
And then I thought, It won’t be very hard. You don’t have to work very hard to do better than you’re doing now.
Seriously, I could have walked 10 feet and it would have been an improvement. I’m only exaggerating a little here, that’s how bad I had gotten.
So that was 18 days ago. And I’ve started with baby steps, but its amazing how much better I already feel. I’m still not eating like I want, but I’m working on it. I’m still not exercising as much as I like, but I’m working on that too. I’ve been lifting weights daily for about a week and a half now, and I’ve discovered that I love it. And today, in addition to the weights, I also walked over a mile.
So here I am. And here I plan to stay. I’ll post again next week!