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We Meet Again

Published January 23, 2016 by Christa the Cupcake

Its been 18 days since I woke up.

Not literally, of course. Figuratively.

First of all, I want to say that I thought long and hard about whether or not I was going to come back to this blog in the first place. It hasn’t been updated in about a year. I had to think about it because I didn’t see any point updating it if I wasn’t going to stay serious.  But today I decided I would come back and continue this blog since I haven’t lost momentum. I feel like I can update this blog as long as I stay committed to updating myself.

Now, you often hear people say something like “Well, I just fell off the wagon.”
I didn’t simply fall off the wagon. I jumped. I dived off that wagon headfirst into a sea of soda, junk food, and shame. And that’s where I’ve been living for over a year.

At first, I was perfectly content. For several months in fact. Then, occasional feelings of doubt and shame poked at me, but I got rid of them quickly. Over time, those feelings escalated, until eventually they blossomed into full-blown disgust and complete unhappiness. But by the time that happened, I was on an island in the middle of that gross ocean I had jumped into and I had no idea how to get back to shore.

I felt 100% lost.

I talked to my fiance who is consistently there for me, but talking didn’t help. Being able to verbalize how I felt was good for my mental state, but it didn’t get me any closer to taking action I needed to take.

Suddenly, or so it felt, it was the week after New Years Day of 2016. This year, for the first time that I can remember, I made no Resolution. I didn’t see the point in laying out a plan for something when I felt powerless to shape my life in any way. It would be like every other year, where I set a goal and then give up. For tradition’s sake I said vaguely that I’d like to better myself this year.

Then there I was, standing in the kitchen, looking at some of the things I had purchased during the month of December: A 24-can case of Dr. Pepper, a whole box of packages of ramen noodles, a big box of Cosmic Brownies, and a party-size bag of cheddar-sour cream potato chips.

And I thought, You don’t have to do this. This doesn’t have to be your life.

And then I thought, It won’t be very hard. You don’t have to work very hard to do better than you’re doing now.

Seriously, I could have walked 10 feet and it would have been an improvement. I’m only exaggerating a little here, that’s how bad I had gotten.

So that was 18 days ago. And I’ve started with baby steps, but its amazing how much better I already feel. I’m still not eating like I want, but I’m working on it. I’m still not exercising as much as I like, but I’m working on that too. I’ve been lifting weights daily for about a week and a half now, and I’ve discovered that I love it. And today, in addition to the weights, I also walked over a mile.

Screenshot_2016-01-23-21-28-53

So here I am. And here I plan to stay. I’ll post again next week!

New Year

Published January 10, 2015 by Christa the Cupcake

This is the standard time of year for the start of diets, right? That also makes it the proper time of year to RE-start a diet as well, doesn’t it?
Last year I totally bombed everything. 😦 I mean really. A big part of it was the awful depression that blindsided me. I still don’t know where it came from, because really last year everything was going quite well compared to the year before. But the fact is, it was kind of awful and though I regret not having the willpower to get over it, what’s done is done.

Now I read recently that the best time to start a diet is at the beginning of a month, so come February, I’m getting back in gear and back on the wagon.

Happy New Year!

Changes

Published September 6, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

Everything has sort of been falling apart, which is why I haven’t posted on either of my blogs. My fiance is not really in good health at the moment, and his grandma died and his mom has recently been diagnosed with breast cancer.

I’ve been having really bad toothaches and many trips to the dentist.
I’ve got a new doctor, and to be honest, I 100% do not like her. But I’m on Medicaid so I have to sort of deal with it; I don’t have a lot of options unfortunately.

I have spent so much time recently either crying because I feel very depressed. Or worrying myself sick because I feel very scared. Or being pissed off because I feel like I have zero control over my own life. I’ve been using up my time doing that and haven’t had time to really even be on the internet, let alone be able to write blog posts.

I’ll get back to this when things have calmed down.

There is a silver lining, though. I’ve been throwing myself into working out. I see a nutritionist the week after next and I’m hoping she will be able to help me with finding healthy foods for me and maybe some recipe resources or something useful.
And I’m going to start physical therapy for my back, because my back pain is a HUGE obstacle for me.

So I am still moving toward my goal, just a little slower than I’d like. :/

What’s Going On Now

Published August 19, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

So I’ve actually been home for a few weeks. Why haven’t I posted anything? Well mainly health issues, mostly not my own. Personally, I realized about a month ago (when I was hometown-home) that I’ve been like…really depressed. Nowhere near as badly depressed as I was when I lived with my parents, but like compared to the relative stable happy condition I’ve been in since I moved in with my fiance going on three years ago, I’ve been feeling really down. 😦 Now, since I’ve noticed this, I’ve done the smart thing that anyone who is depressed and still able to do should do. I’ve been trying to fix things.

I had been deliberately picking fights with my fiance. I wasn’t completely sure why, though I suspect like when I was younger, I just wanted to be mad instead of sad. Anyway, I talked to my therapist about it. She gave me a handout, which I read, and actually listened to. That problem was resolved.

I felt cluttered. My space and my mind both. So, I’ve gotten organized. Or, you know, more organized. I took all my files and binders and notebooks (minus a couple) downstairs to the file-desk where they belong. And I had to clean that thing off and out first; I haven’t used it in over a year. I put my books back on my bookshelf and my magazines back in their basket. I untangled the bed clothes and put the pillows where they should be on the bed. I rearranged my little corner of the basement (where the desk and the Sky Glider are) so that everything wasn’t all shoved together awkwardly and its now a usable space for everything I do at the desk and also for exercising. And I’m doing more yoga. My therapist has told me I should meditate, but I can’t clear my mind enough to just sit in a static position and do her version of meditation. However, when I do yoga, that is my meditation. I focus on what pose I’m supposed to be doing and all the millions of bees that are usually buzzing in my head just shut up for a while.

So I’m alright now. My fiance has been having mysterious health problems, but after many doctor visits, hopefully that will be resolved soon. And then I can stop worrying. I was very upset last week about his mother, who is already a breast-cancer survivor and has found a lump on her breast; the same one she’s already had a lumpectomy on when my fiance was a teen. After much panic and crying, and after many people praying (and continuing to do so) today, she had her free exam appointment at Planned Parenthood, and we found out that its probably something benign, but she is enrolled in a program now that will pay for pretty much anything, including a biopsy, if necessary, and if she has to have any surgery or chemo, she will get medicaid automatically for it. So even though her trials aren’t over yet, it seems a little bit lighter knowing that in the worst-case-scenario, she won’t lose everything paying for life saving procedures. 🙂

Now, about this whole Life Change Quest thing: Being totally honest, I haven’t been exercising in any structured way since before I visited home. Home was a circus and I couldn’t have exercised even if I had felt like it. I found myself sneaking candy and carb-filled snacks after I got back home from hometown-home. I stopped it when I realized I was doing it, but that doesn’t change the fact that I was doing it for probably two weeks. I was really disappointed in myself. 😦

My weight has been hovering pretty completely around 280. Sometimes its 279 and other times its 281, and I’m still only using the scale at my doctor’s office. That feels more stupid the longer it goes on, to be honest.

I’m making a proper plan. On paper, since I seem to pay attention to things better that way. I want to make a few lists, involving food and workouts and things I’d like to read (other people’s blogs and books) I learn a lot both from reading and watching and doing.

So I’m taking the rest of the week to get my shit together, and then I’ll make another post to let you know how its going. 🙂

Kind of Dreading Going Home

Published July 1, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

I’m sorry I haven’t been posting. I’ve been losing my head over my annual trip to visit my family. The planning is bad enough and trying to keep everyone happy is incredibly difficult (as arrogant as it sounds, they see me once a year and there’s not enough of me to go around, they all want me with them all the time, which is impossible).

But I’m mostly worried about the safety of my diet. I have really changed my whole lifestyle, little baby-steps at a time, and now for almost a month, I may as well be going back in time. The house will be stocked with soda and candy and junk food. I will seriously have to watch it, because it will be SO EASY to deviate from my plan.

As for exercise, I don’t even know, trying to do yoga in a teeny-tiny house filled with three other people and 2-full grown dogs is going to be next to impossible, and going for walks in the Missouri Summer heat and humidity will cause heat stroke, mainly because my body’s not used to it anymore. I’ll have to walk at night, and take my Grandpa’s old whoop-stick, in case I run into mean dogs or creepers (not the exploding kind). And obviously, I’ll still do my “couch” workouts with my Gatorade-bottle-weights, and if anyone has a problem with it, I’ll kick them out of the living room. I need the couch for the workout, sorry. o_o

For motivation, I’m bringing my skirt. This skirt is knee-length, black with little flowers. Its very gauzy and pretty, and I found it at a thrift store early last year and fell in love with it, discovered it didn’t fit me but I bought it anyway, and I’ve only recently been able to zip it up and wear it. I do not want to lose that.

Also, my last trip to the doctor told me I’ve lost 4 MORE pounds, which I’m pretty proud of, since its probably more because I have period water-weight (fun fact, my therapist literally walked into a wall because she was looking at me telling me she could tell I’d been losing weight and that I’m looking really pretty, like I felt really terrible but it was kind of cool in a way). I don’t want to gain that back either.

Wish me luck! I’ll try to make some little posts throughout the vacation, but I’ll be back full-time in August! ❤

Good News, Everyone!

Published June 12, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

I’ve lost (at least) 5 pounds! I say “at least” because I’m pretty sure I had water-weight when they weighed me. Remember forever ago, when I was all excited about buying that pretty new scale? Yeah, I still haven’t done that. Mostly due to circumstances that are out of my control (i.e. having to buy things that were not expected for reasons that weren’t planned for, like an extra $10 fee both ways for my flight next month which was not a thing last year….) but also, I admit, a certain amount of procrastination. So, I’m still being sporadically measured at my therapist’s office.

I’m kind of afraid of having a scale in the house. I mean what if I start obsessively weighing myself? Or worse, what if I weigh myself when I’m having one of my super-depressed days and I haven’t made any progress, so I destroy the scale and vow to never exercise again? It has happened before.

But scale fears aside, I have lost a minimum of five pounds, and I’m very happy about it. Also, the jeans I just bought last month, which are already a size smaller than the jeans I bought last year, are becoming annoyingly loose! Which means, unless I can find a coupon, I’m probably going to have to come up with another $50 to buy new new jeans in a few months. I want to be really annoyed about it, but how can I be? The new new jeans will only be size 22, but if the trend continues then I’ll probably be down to the teen-sizes by this time next year, and that thought makes me so happy.

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I Can Do Lunges!

Published May 26, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

Well, not good ones. They’re kind of half-assed. But I think they still count. Not easy (maybe not even possible) to do a lunge correctly when you’re carrying around almost three hundred pounds and have like, no muscles! XD

I’m not writing a long post, because Memorial Day and barbeque. As a side note, do you think steak sauce (like A-1) is better for you than ketchup and mayo? I hope it is, because that’s what I put on my hamburger. :/

Anyway, yesterday I did some more yoga. Both videos I found on YouTube. One was basically for relaxing and stretching, so I did it first. It was a little bit of a workout on its own because…I guess because I don’t move much. >_>;
The other was supposed to be yoga for weight loss. And any skepticism I had towards yoga for weight loss vanished in about one minute. It was hard! I was so jealous of the woman doing the video, with her happy bouncing and spot-on lunging. Meanwhile, I’m trying to copy her, which is hard as-is but harder because I have no balance, which I mentioned before. So I’m sort-of lunging, not like she is, but I was doing my best, and I’m also all wobbly and my cat, Sweet Pea, is on her perch watching me like I’ve gone insane.

sweet pea laying on bed

This is Sweet Pea, in case you were wondering. You probably weren’t, but just in case.

Anyway, so long story short, I did the first video which was about 20 minutes, and I made it about 4 minutes into the other video before I stopped, crawled upstairs (not literally, but that probably would have been easier) and drank like a gallon of water. It was a bitch.

I did it again today, and this time I made it a whopping four-and-a-half minutes into the second video. It was still a bitch.

Every part of my body from the neck down, with the exception of my hands and feet, is a big ache. But I’m SO happy that it is! Because it means I’ve worked my muscles harder than I have in a longer time than I can really remember. And the videos, though the second one was really hard for me, were a lot of fun!
So I guess this is going to be my new habit. I think I’m gonna become a yoga girl. 🙂 And that’s much better than staying a couch potato. 😉

Happy Memorial Day, by the by. As an Air Force Brat (My father was not in the air force when I was a child, so I don’t count according to the other Brats, but my dad’s former drill sergeant said I still count because my dad still had a very military mind-set. Anyway…) and with my favorite uncle a Marine and a Vietnam vet, I humbly ask you to please respect our soldiers and the sacrifices they make in the name of freedom, even if you don’t agree with the wars they fight. Don’t forget that today is not just Obligatory BBQ Day; Its for THEM, our men and women in uniform.


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