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All posts for the month March, 2014

Bitchfest

Published March 31, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

I slept really crappy last night, then this afternoon I had to go to a hospital for a test, and I hate hospitals.

The shit really hit the fan today, in regards to my family. SO I’M DESPERATE FOR SOMETHING SUGARY, SPECIFICALLY A DR. PEPPER.

I’ve been really feeling sick, so I haven’t eaten much, which means I’m hungry and therefore more bitchy.

😡

I managed to do a sort of workout, but to ice the cake I think I pulled a muscle in my back.

TODAY SUCKED!

stewie bad day

*eye twitch* I’m going to bed. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. 😦

I’m Shrinking

Published March 30, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

You’d think I’d be excited and happy about this, since shrinking is my goal, and sort of the whole point. But, weirdly, I’m not. I guess I just always need something to bitch about. :/

The problem is my jewelry. I can hear you thinking: “Well, that’s pretty trivial and superficial. She should be looking at the big picture.” And you’re right…..but you’re also wrong.

You see, I have certain jewelry that I never take off. I wear three silver hoops in each ear, a captive bead/hoop piercing in my lip, two toe rings- a silver one with pot leaves etched into it and a silver scroll-work one with a peridot stone set into it, a necklace holding 1/2 of a ‘sisters’ heart pendant, a cross made of silver and fake diamonds, and my Grandpa’s St. Christopher medallion, and I wear one ring on each hand.

I can shrink all I want and most of my jewelry won’t go anywhere. Obviously my various piercings will stay put, my toe-rings are adjustable, and a necklace is a neckless. But my rings….they are the issue.

On my right hand, I have a silver scroll-work ring with a black stone. My daddy bought it for me when I was 13, and since I put it on, the only times it has been taken off were for surgeries and after I tried to kill myself when I was in the hospital for a week and I wasn’t allowed to have any personal property. Its very important to me, and its been falling off lately. Its come off 4 times just today. 😦 And, of course, on my left hand I wear my engagement ring.

What you have to understand is that I never realized my fingers would get smaller when I lost weight. My hands don’t look fat, you know? But they are and I’m really worried that my dad’s ring is going to fall off when I’m out shopping or at the doctor and I’ll never see it again. And I’m incredibly  worried that the same fate will befall my beautiful engagement ring. 😦 Now, for my dad’s ring at least, I thought about putting it on my necklace with my other important things. But the truth is, I feel completely naked without it on my finger and I can’t do it.

Obviously, I’m not going to quit dieting and exercising just because I’m scared of losing my rings, but I am really upset about it. Both of the rings are irreplaceable. Even if I could find an exact copy of either of them, it wouldn’t be the same because it would completely lack the sentimental value that these rings have. If I lose one of them, it’ll be gone forever. 😥

No Workout Today

Published March 29, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

No. Non. Nein. Niet.

Shit shit shit shit.

I’m totally beating myself up over this. 😦

But I promise its not because I’m lazy or I’m just giving up after less than a week. I mean, my God, I would never forgive myself for being that weak.
And, I suppose, its technically not an activity free day, but at about a minute and a half, it might as well be. /insert scowl and self-abusive thoughts/

The reason it happened, or rather didn’t happen, was because as I was on the Sky Glider, I had this huge head rush and had the weird sensation which is like feeling/hearing water rushing through my head and I immediately stopped. I sat down and waited to feel better. It didn’t take long, but I was too scared to get back to the workout.

You see, as of last year, I learned to take the head-rush-strange-feeling combo as a warning, which is what it is. Its a warning that I’m going to pass out. Before I realized this, I had only passed out once, when I was 12 and went trick-or-treating with what we thought was a bad cold, but after I fell on the staircase leading to the door of a mansion that belonged to a client of my mother’s (I am the proud daughter of a former housekeeper) my father took me to the ER the next day and it turned out I had a pretty bad case of pneumonia. Bad enough to be hospitalized, but I wasn’t, because I begged my dad not to sign the papers, and so he took care of me at home. (As a side note, my dad worked his butt off for like three weeks when this happened, because I was so weak I couldn’t even get out of bed without help, and the day after he took me to the ER, my mom severely sprained her ankle at work, so he was playing nurse for both of us with the very unwilling help of my little brother) That pneumonia also scarred my lungs, which makes it hard to work out because I can’t breathe properly. Its a problem.
Anyway, until last year, I had forgotten what it felt like immediately before passing out.

Last year, I went home to Missouri for a little over a month to help my mom, because one day in January she had called me to say my Nana had cancer and then the next day, she called again to tell me that my dad also had cancer. It was a really bad month, needless to say. While I was home, my Nana had a surgery to cut out part of her colon. I was not getting much sleep and I went to see her in the hospital and it upset me greatly, and then I was at the house working nonstop doing everything to avoid just sitting and breaking down. I went to the kitchen to get dinner, and the warning came but I didn’t know it for what it was, and then I was on my back in the floor. One ambulance ride, two Valium and some kind of shot for pain, a CT scan of my head and some facial stitches later, I was back at my Nana’s house looking like I’d been in a bar-fight (My chin was badly bruised, my tooth was chipped, my lip was busted, and I was sporting a few stitches under my lip. I had fallen forward first, hitting my face on the counter causing me to bite through my skin.) The plus side was that I now knew the warning signs so that if it happened again, at least I wouldn’t break myself that badly.

lip-scar-edit

This is the scar I have from that incident. It doesn’t show up as vividly in bad lighting (i.e. this picture) but I’m very self-conscious about it, and my lipstick always looks a little lopsided now. The scar won’t let me forget what happened, and neither will the ambulance bill that I’m paying off more than a year after it happened.

In short, these days when I get the warning sign, I stop what I’m doing and sit my ass down. So combine that with my fear of dying during a workout, and you get me, sitting in my chair, reading a book, and grumbling.
I tried to find the stupid weights of John’s (my fiance) so I could at least do something, but I can’t find them. /bangs head/

But I guess it might not be so bad. All I’ve eaten today was a bowl of oatmeal for breakfast/lunch, 2 packages of fruit snacks (100 calories each) for a snack, and a small bowl of home-made soup for dinner. So it could definitely be worse. But I’m still pissed off about it, even if it was for my own safety. 😡

Working Out Kills Bad Feelings

Published March 28, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

Hey! Hey guys, I discovered something. Working out makes me feel better. I had heard of this phenomenon before, of course, but I dismissed it. How could something so unpleasant make you feel better?
Well, it does.

See, my sister’s doing something bad and stupid. Something so monumentally stupid, selfish, and bad, that I had to edit this post because I am not allowed to talk about it for legal reasons. D:
I thought she was finally getting her life back on track. But I’ll be damned if she didn’t prove me wrong. And she’s doing it all for some stupid man. You know how the joke is that guys think with their dicks? Well, my sister is thinking with her twat. And I know this is going to come back and bite her in the ass. I just hope it doesn’t bite too hard. 😦
For the first time in a long time, I’m not on her side. And that really makes me hurt.

So with all these negative feelings, I’ve felt like crap today. I fruitlessly tried to distract myself, but no dice. So I went and did a bit of a workout, and instantly I felt almost 100% better! Of course, now that I’ve dredged it up to write it down, its filling my head again, and I’m all bent out of shape again. So back to the Sky Glider I go!


I realize this post is more personal than about my diet or anything weight-loss related. But my first instinct was to sit on the couch and watch something mindless on Netflix, while binging on cookies and potato chips and stewing in this pool of anger and worries that my mind mixed up for me. But I didn’t. Instead I went downstairs and sweated till I felt better! My sister’s fuckups are NOT MY PROBLEM, and at least I’m trying to make good choices; at least one of us is trying to make our life better. So, damn it, I’m proud of myself. And I think it was important to write about, so that maybe if someone is reading this, and they just feel like vegging out and feeling sorry for themselves, maybe I will help them realize that they don’t have to. That isn’t their only only option. They can make a positive choice and feel better! If I can do it, anyone can! 😉

A Small Hot Air Balloon, At Most

Published March 27, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

My darling fiancé saw the title of this blog, and says its not appropriate. He insists I am not a blimp. If I must refer to myself as a type of airborne object, he says I’m just a small hot air balloon, at the very most. I can’t explain to you guys how happy he makes me. I smile and laugh more now with him than at any other time in my life that I can really remember. Its a blessing. 😀


Not much to write about really. Kind of uneventful today. I didn’t eat breakfast at all, which I really don’t like doing. I seem to have more energy if I eat breakfast, even if its small. I prefer it to be small, for what I think are obvious reasons.

But no breakfast because I had a therapist appointment and had to rush out. She let me use the scale, and I was at 284. Three more pounds than last time, three weeks ago? She says its probably just water-weight, and she’s probably right, because its near my period and I am swollen a little. But still, I’m pretty bummed out. 😦
We started a new kind of therapy today, its basically a thought journal. If I have negative emotions, I write them down and then try to deconstruct them to make myself feel better. I think it will be really useful, and maybe I can use it to feel better about the maybe extra 3 pounds.
On the other hand, I worked out for 10 minutes today in the evening. That’s not much, but its more than the last time, and any exercise is better than doing nothing but sitting on my ass. 😉

Meet the Sky Glider

Published March 26, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

Meet the Sky Glider.

Image

(Note: This is not my Sky Glider, but its the same model. If this is your Sky Glider, please know that I like your floor.)


I have nothing but contempt for the Sky Glider. Well, contempt seasoned with fear.

When I first met the Sky Glider, it was undercover in our Art Room. Literally undercover, as in, covered with pieces of fabric and a pair of gi pants that my fiancé had outgrown years before, and maybe a canvas. I have no idea how long it had been stored in there. I don’t know where it came from. It was just there.

After much cursing and scraping, my fiancé managed to move the Sky Glider from that room to a bigger room, where I could actually use it.

And then I had to use it. You stand on these two knobby plastic platforms, one foot on each. I’m always barefoot, but I quickly learned not to use the Sky Glider barefoot, because the knobbly bits hurt. I have to at least wear socks. Then you grasp the handles and move your arms back and forth, which is the exercise. The arm pole things are supposed to be optional, you’re supposed to just be able to move your legs back and forth. But I can’t do that, because if I’m not holding the poles, they’re banging into my boobs and arms, which is incredibly unpleasant. My Sky Glider has two strange disconnected wires up front. I didn’t know what those were for until a couple of days ago, when the internet told me that Sky Gliders have an electronic display that tells you supposedly how many calories you’ve burned and information like that.

And that’s where my first problem with the Sky Glider comes up. I like having quantifiable results. I like knowing how many calories I’ve burned, even if its only 50. Even if the calorie counter thing is totally unreliable. I like assigning a number to the activity I have done, even if it’s a small number or a wrong number. Seeing just a number associated with my workout makes me motivated to keep working out and make the number higher. And higher. I don’t get that number or that motivation with the Sky Glider.

My second problem with the thing is that I’m scared of falling backwards off of it. I have terrible terrible balance. It’s hard to explain how bad my balance is. Basically, if I’m standing up and someone pokes me, I tend to start falling the opposite way and have to do a bit of quick footwork to right myself. If someone pokes me in the left side, I start to go to the right. I can’t ride a bike without falling multiple times, which is sad because I like to ride bikes. I used training wheels until I was 8 and I don’t own a bike for my own safety. If a policeman decided to do a field sobriety test on me, it would be like playing a rigged carnival game. I couldn’t walk a straight line heel-to-toe even if I was stone-cold sober. Because of this balance thing, I like keeping my feet firmly on the ground. Using the Sky Glider, I am off the ground, on touchy plastic platforms (they move with very little prompting) swinging my legs and arms back and forth over a hard concrete floor. My doomsday-imagination doesn’t need to work very hard to create a scenario in which I fall backwards due to my bad balance, I crack the back of my head open, and I die. My obituary will read “Fat Girl Dead in Tragic Workout Accident. She Fell Backwards Like a Drunk.” And I will become a meme. I don’t want that to be my legacy.
So I approach my daily workout very apprehensively.

The final thing is its loud. Years ago, my grandpa bought me an ancient stationary bike at a garage sale for $5. Besides literally having to use a step-ladder to get onto the thing, when I used it, it sounded like a small old-fashioned propeller plane was taking off in my bedroom. The Sky Glider isn’t that bad, but it is noisy. It creaks and pops and sounds awful. I don’t know if this is normal, or if I’m too heavy to use it. I dunno what weight rating it has. I don’t know jack about it, really. It hasn’t broken yet though, so I’m going to keep using it. But the noise is horrible. I don’t want everybody in the house to know I’m working out. I like to do my workouts secretly, like a furtive raccoon going through someone’s garbage. I don’t want anyone seeing me exercise, and the noise the Sky Glider makes is like an advertisement.

In short: I hate it. A lot.
But it’s all I have for now. I want a treadmill. I enjoy using treadmills, actually. And with a treadmill, I don’t have poles beating my upper body, and I can prop a book on it and read while I’m exercising. But apparently good treadmills aren’t cheap? That’s what my fiancé says, but I don’t know. I really need to find out. Maybe I could find a good one at a used sports store? I don’t even know where one of those is in Denver. If anyone from Denver is reading this and knows where I can find one, do tell.

My Scale Dilemma

Published March 26, 2014 by Christa the Cupcake

So I got all excited about doing this blog, and I looked at other people’s weight-loss blogs to sort of get a feel for it. A common theme in nearly all these blogs was a list of weight and/or measurement stats. Sometimes daily, other times weekly or monthly. This makes sense for a weight-loss blog. My plan was to include my weight at the end of an entry once a week and my measurements in inches every month. I planned it out and thought about the right way to do it and everything, and then….
I realized I don’t own a scale. I haven’t owned a scale since I destroyed my mom’s bathroom scale in a fit of anger and frustration when I was 19. My fiancé doesn’t own a scale either. Neither does his mom. This house does not contain a scale.
A minor setback, I thought. I won’t include stats this week, and then I’ll buy a scale when I get paid next week. No big deal, right? Wrong. Apparently there is a wide variety of scales on the market.


 

SCALE (skāl): noun an instrument for weighing. Scales were originally simple balances ( pairs of scales ) but are now usually devices with an internal weighing mechanism housed under a platform on which the thing to be weighed is placed, with a gauge or electronic display showing the weight.


That sounds simple. And cheap. That sounds like an item that would be inexpensive, right? Wrong again. Not only are there a wide variety of scales, they are also all over the place in price.
Take for example the BC-1500 Ironman Radio Wireless Segmental Body Composition Monitor. That’s a mouthful, isn’t it? The Ironman apparently does it all. According to Amazon, it gives individual body composition readings for each body segment: trunk, right arm, left arm, right leg and left leg. And all at once it tells you your complete body composition profile, including weight, body fat % (total and segmental), body water %, muscle mass (total and segmental), physique rating, BMR, DCI, metabolic age, bone mass, and visceral fat. I don’t even know what some of those things mean. It doesn’t have any sort of display, rather, it sends all that data to your computer or smartphone. And all these advanced features add up to the cost of $632.99. My opinion on the Ironman is that it’s too complicated and too expensive. I’m sure all those bells and whistles are of great use to some people, but for the Average Josephine of dieters, it seems very overwhelming.
On the other end of the spectrum, there’s this guy, the Sunbeam Dial Scale, Model SAB 602-05. It only costs $13.99, but its apparently really inaccurate to begin with and it becomes more inaccurate as time goes on.
My take on this Wide World of Scales? Well, to me, paying hundreds of dollars for a scale is like paying someone with the body of Scarlett Johansson and the voice of Alan Rickman (you know, his Severus Snape voice, dripping with condescension and disgust) to stand in your bathroom in a bikini and say how fat you are while simultaneously poking your belly. Its weird how perfectly I can picture that….
On the other hand, it doesn’t matter how cheap something is if it’s a faulty product. If your scale is going to be way off, you may as well save yourself the trouble and not buy one at all.
For myself, when I get paid next week, I think I’m going to buy the EatSmart Precision Digital Bathroom Scale. Its cheap, its simple, and it gets GREAT reviews. It seems like the perfect one for me.
In the meantime, I’ll check my weight at my doctor’s appointment on Thursday. She’s pretty good about taking 10 seconds to let me use the office scale even if its not a physical sort of appointment. So hopefully I’ve lost a pound or two, or at least haven’t gained any. Wait and see!